The Gloves Are Coming Off And It’s Going To Be Fine

I wrote this several months ago on my phone and I found it today as I was cleaning up some old notes. I remember that day vividly. As I sat, crumpled on the floor of my bedroom head in hand, defeated. Whimpers and small broken inhales sliced through the silence. Pain strangled my heart so tightly, I wasn’t sure I had any breath in my lungs left. I was angry. In fact, I was furious. And I was tired, worn down by my anger and by his. I was ashamed of how my sadness showed itself as fury in the face of a child I love more than words. A child who had none of his own to fully describe the intense feelings bottled up so tightly, that instead are often thrown like daggars in an attempt to preserve himself from something he doesn’t even fully understand. Our world had become one never-ending reaction to a time bomb ready to explode.

There I sat, cross-legged and tear stained, unsure of what had become of my life, and what I had to do to get it back. Alone. The Pandora app still running on my phone beside me where I had left it 40 minutes before this latest raging storm had pulled me away from my work. Work? What even was that anymore? This is your work. Garth Brooks quietly sang the melody of my life in the stillness of the calm that always comes just after:

To Make You Feel My Love.

There have been so many times I have been uncertain; what can I do to just fix this? So many times I’ve admitted to myself that I am out of my depth.
Living with the aftermath of emotional trauma is at times, almost too much to bear. It’s cruel and it’s deceiving because it doesn’t look flawed on the outside at all. So everything inside our walls exists only for us. It had crept in and knocked me down more times than I can remember. My heart splits open and I am faced with a mother’s greatest heart ache- watching her child suffer and not being able to make it stop. His rage is justified, I tell myself. What right do I have to reprimand him for being angry? scared? betrayed? unhappy. Not every day is like this, and I am thankful for that. But many are. I just wish somebody would tell me,

It’s going to be fine. Instead those words are mine to say, hoping they comfort him and maybe, if I’m lucky, I might believe them too.

Because what else is there to say? We must keep going. As a mother, I don’t have a choice. I must show my children what it looks like to get back up. Even when there are times I don’t even know how to myself.

Life, afterall, is nothing more than a series of times we get back up, when we have every reason not to.

***********

The gloves are coming off.
Afraid to turn on the lights.
Bad news never has good timing.
I’d go crazy, I’d go blind for you- just to feel my love.

I didn’t recognize the face.

Did I have this coming?

Where did you go? Why did you go away?

My six year old son told me he hates me today. No, he screamed it at me with all his tiny might. That he wants to get a better mom once he is bigger. He said some other things that I can’t bear repeating, but will echo in my heart for quite some time.

When the rain is blowing in your face. I would offer you a warm embrace.

To make you feel my love.

It has been incredibly hard to watch my son slip away. That sweet face I fell in love with the very first time we met.

In the evening when the shadows and the stars appear-
And there is no one to dry your tears.
I could hold you for a million years.
To make you feel my love.

That perfect face, now shielded in suspicion. Withdrawn. Angry. Flashes of happy wash over in waves, but are quickly replaced once again with clenched jaw and set, determined eyes that squint out the love I so desperately want him to feel. The gloves are coming off.

Will he return? Why is this real?

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet-
But I would never do you wrong.
I’ve known it from the moment that we met.
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I wish with all my heart that yours didn’t have doubts. I wish I could take it all away. I’ll leave the lights on for as long as you need. You are safe to be angry. You are safe with me.

The storms are raging on a rolling sea-
And I know your storm isn’t over yet. Even when the waters seem calm, I know what’s brewing underneath. The tears roll down where there are no words and the storm rises again.
You don’t have to be brave alone.

And down the highway of regret.
I’ll walk beside you for as long as it takes. I recognize that face all too well. You didn’t have this coming.

The winds of change are blowin wild and free-
You are stronger than the past swirling in your mind.

But I promise you, I’m here.
There is nothing that I wouldn’t do.

So say what you must, but don’t expect me to believe it. I am angry too. I remember that sweet face and that is what I see still behind the hurt. I will love you from the moment that we met until forever.

There is nothing that I wouldn’t do.

I’d go crazy, I’d go blind for you.

I will never stop trying to make you happy again. I will never stop fighting to give you back what was taken. I will leave the lights on for you, you don’t have to be afraid.

Your love is safe with me.

There is nothing that I wouldn’t do.
Go to the ends of the earth for you.
Make you happy, make your dreams come true-

To make you feel my love.


It’s going to be fine.

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