Why I never told you before, You were not my FIRST

Why I never told you before.

That you were not the first.

Because I didn’t want you to feel any different about your place. We belong together. And you really are my first dream come true.. the first dream that became the first everything to me.

Perhaps I should have said something before now, but where to start?

You were not the first hope in my heart. You were not the first hope in my belly. There was one before who had your place. It was brief, but it was pure love. Just eight short weeks.

She, I assume, was gone in a blink, as if she’d only just appeared in a dream; that dream, where she told me I would not get to be her mother. And just like that, when I woke up, I knew. My first hope was gone.

And then, for the first time, I believed in hoping for more. Just a short while later, It was you.

Her hope was to prepare me for my first dream come true. Getting my heart ready and making my body stronger, to carry you.

So you could be my first.

The first of everything. The first to change me. The first to show me. The first to teach me, what pure lasting love is.

I thought I knew before you, but she showed me that would be just the beginning. Preparing me that there would be so much more, with you, my first.

You were my first fear. My first worry that I could lose something so precious, so fragile, again. You were my first miracle.

Soon afterward, there you were. First just a heartbeat, and then first flutters and first hiccups. And finally, after so many firsts to my belly, my marriage, my hopes and then my dreams for the future, came you.

Perfect and unaware of just how much you’d already done for me; my first love, greater than any first I’d ever known.

You were my first gift. My first treasure. My first reason for calling myself a mother. My first chance to get it right.

And so now you know.

And ever since, you have continued to be my first- everything. My first joy and my first pain.

My first heartache when you were sad, my first revelation when you were curious. My first pride when you achieved. My first sleepless night, my first protected heart. My first weakness. My first strength.

My first gorgeous, big navy blue-eyed, tender-hearted, sincere, inquisitive, easiest reason for living, first.

Thirteen years, 9 months and 63 days ago, you were not my first. But every day since, you have been.

Thank you for being my first dream come true.

As you have gone from my first baby, first child, and now are becoming my first teenager in just a few short days, keep being the first. The first to grow into a man who, once upon a time, I dreamed up, against all hope, and then for the first time, brought into this world. Keep being the be first to follow your own dreams.

Happy soon-to-be first teenage birthday, Bug.

Love, your Mom…

Hopefully, your first love. Even if you won’t admit it for many more years, I will gladly wait for that first.

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