Because I have Two Husbands

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I have two husbands because I said I will to them both.

One became an I won’t anymore, or maybe, I can’t. It was hard, it was painful to go back on that promise.

But I did, once. And it meant something. And once the dust settled, the egos were tamed.

And the hearts were healed. 

And so, it may not be conventional, traditional or easily understood,

because its not the same as before. Its no longer I will, but its I can. We can.

be friends.

We can be parents, we can still care. Where one love was, another kind grew.

I have two husbands.

I have two husbands because I said I will to them both.

The second time I said I do. I was ready. I was scared. It was hard. It was painful to go back to that promise.

But I did. with my will, again. And hearts were healed. I could do it one last time because my heart

was his. And it meant something. And once the dust settled and the vows had been said, with

three little boys by our side, I was whole.

It may not be conventional, traditional, or easily understood, because it’s not the same as before.

Where one love was, a new love grew.

And so I have two husbands. Only one has my heart. Both have my respect.

I have four children.

I have four children because I said I will to both. And then I eagerly and excitedly said I can.

I will and I give, everything I have, to each.

The second time I said I will, brought a baby girl. And she must know. They must know.

One by one. My love grew by four, because I said I will to them both.

And so I must, to them all. I must, for the four whom I love more than life.

And I must to the two, who gave me these four. They gave me my life, they gave me these gifts.

Because I said I will to them both. I must. Love them all.

None became I won’t, or maybe, I can’t. It was hard, its been painful, but I would never go

back and change a thing. I am grateful for the two more than they know. But they must.

Because I did, it means something. Because I said I will, I have something.

Greater than brokenness.

Greater than bitterness.

Greater than jealousy.

Greater than resentment.

Because I said I will, I have six loves today. They love me differently, and I love them back.

One has my heart and my soul until the end. My devotion and my trust. I will and I am.

Four have my life, in place of their own, if ever there is a need to trade. They are my life.

And One. One has my friendship forever. One that is rare and is real. That can only come from the pain of an I will, that turned into I can.

Because I have two husbands, I have four children; I have my world. I wouldn’t change a thing.

I will. I do. I have. I am. Because I have two husbands.

I pray my children never know the heartache of divorce, dreams broken into a million pieces.

But if they ever do, I pray they find the love that grows up between the brokenness.

And my greatest prayer is that they would find love again.

One that welcomes the growth,

And makes new dreams.